"When you give 100% you can achieve great things."
If only.
For me there's a little phrase missing from those statements. Something I am hoping I can correct because it is so ingrained in my psyche from so many years of humbleness training (aka guilt training) that it is currently impossible for me to do anything for myself.
Not even basic hygiene. Or meals. It was selfish of me to take the time to do it when I had others to consider. Then, when there was very little money, it was selfish to spend extravagantly on things like fruits and vegetables. After all it was only me.
But if somebody else needed something, I was there to help. If I had what they needed I would offer it up, no questions asked. But forget about asking for it back when they were done.
If I could do something I knew someone else needed, I would do it without letting anybody know. If I were asked to do something, I wouldn't go around telling everybody what I'd done. That was bragging and being self centered. I needed to remain humble. Besides, I could never be self-centered that was the road to God's wrath and a tragic future.
Well it feels as if God's wrath found me anyway (more on this in a future post).
So, if you haven't guessed, I can do anything I put my mind to - as long as it is for somebody else and they probably won't find out.
When I give 100% I can achieve great things - for others.
I'd often lie to people about gifts I had for them so they wouldn't know their true cost or how I'd really been able to procure them. How messed up is that?!
From there, it was a simple transition to covering up for others and their "mistakes".
Anything to keep the peace.
Oh, and that worked out so well for me.
I'm dreading writing about these experiences, though they are rather juicy and scandalous.
But what must,
must......
