And I do wish I were not nice, maybe even downright mean and selfish. Oh how wonderful my life would be if I were narcissistic and my ego impenetrable by mundane things like other people, their opinions or even their illogical feelings. Then I would feel like I'm always right, not be riddled by guilt and concern or self flagellation for decisions made from as early as preschool.
Instead I am still. I am unmoving, trapped, repeating over and over, continuing and any other definition you can conjure up for the word. I am caught in the spider's web, paralyzed by venom and awaiting certain consumption by a dangerous predator.
I am a witness to my own demise while also the main character and the director of the story that is my life. Don't mistake this as the victim or the martyr, I have an active role. If only I had the energy to move out of my own way.
You'd think it takes a lot of energy to lose everything you are and everything you have.
Turns out it can happen in the blink of an eye or the flutter of a butterfly's wings.
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