Shame

I'm uncertain why this subject came to mind for today's post.

It's stuck in my mind, but a very
rRw subject
I'm uncertain if I'm ready to fully tackle
The shame I have
Endured

I always found it odd
My fear of authority
Especially
Police, teachers, bosses
Always expecting them to
Judge me
Reject me
Look upon me as a
Failure

I felt
guilty
But why?

Shame

Shame is an
Emotion
A feeling of inadequacy
A feeling of failing others
A sense of disability
A rotting
Of individuality
Of self confidence
Of self itself
A need to hide.

Shame came to me when I was young.
My nature is to please
My desire for recogniton
My need to keep the peace
My internal demand to be perfect
Created the walls of my cage of shame.

I was always
hyper aware
of others,
Their moods
Their intentions
Their needs
Their wants
Their basic nature
So much so that
I could anticipate each.
But when I failed to please
Another bar in the wall of my cage.


As I child I would do things
Then announce to everyone
What I had done
With a pride of a
Daughter
Niece
Granddaughter
Student
Girl
But I soon learned
There is nothing worse than
Pride
Hubris is not far
And God often punishes
Or teaches
Those with
Pride
Through hardship, disease and death.
And so
My desire for attention
Was suppressed
Quieted
Unasked for
Yet terribly desired
A hidden shame of my want
My personal guilt
Another bar in the wall of my cage.

This likely lead to my mind's
demand for perfection
Ask anyone from my youth
They will tell you that
I tackled every
Chore
Assignment
Story
Performance
Job
Project
Relationship
Responsibility with
110%
Dance
Piano
Voice
Opera
Theater
Math
Science
Language Arts
History
Field Hocky
Track
Marching Band
Choir
Concert Band
Orchestra
Stage Band
Show Choir
Church Choir
Girl Scouts
Study Groups
Group Assignments
Friends
Strangers
Parents
Siblings
Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents
Dating
Work Relationships
Personal relationships
Then Children
Meal preparation
The list goes on
So much responsibility
Shouldered from childhood
Each year adding a
Another bar in the wall of my cage.

Feeling so responsible for others,
Things truly outside of my control
Likely lead to my need to
Keep the peace
At all costs
I shan't go into
the same detail
As this is the area that
Finally boxed me in
Bent me
Personally
Emotionally
Mentally
Morally
Spiritually
The weight of these knots
each adding
Another bar in the wall of my cage.

You can see how shame
Is something we create
It is man-made
In my case
Made in America
Drafted
Constructed
Establish in youth
And founded in the desire to be loved
And the awful belief
That love
Must be earned
An unattainable goal
And every
Action
Word
Thought
Becomes
Another bar across the ceiling of my cage.