If you love me for who I am

If you love me
for who I
am then
who
am
I

Can you find self-respect in failure

Can you find self respect in failure?

Trying to be perfect is consuming
especially if you're often short of the mark
quite so

In failure to be perfect
in being unsuccessful in any thing
you can find a release
A freedom
of the stresses
that you've created
in your quest
and a grace is released
a forgiveness of oneself
that becomes a seed
in the garden
that is self respect
beautiful
wild
messy
natural
as breath

Love

What does it mean to be loved? I think love is different for each person.

Some see love as
Wealth
Others
Stability
Or care
consideration
solidarity
intimacy

How are you loved?
With gifts
Time
Service
Attention
Touches
Hugs
Smiles

Do you earn love?
Good deeds
Generosity
Collecting friends
Care of family members
Doing what other people ask of you

What if you already have love?
What if you are surrounded by love
But you cannot see it
because you think
Dualisticly

Love is timeless
Not linear
Without judgement
which is confusing

If someone loses
If something happen in an
unanticipated way
perceived as negative
are they without love?
Have they lost their love?
Are the poor unloved?
If you withdraw your love
from someone you have loved
do they lose love?

No
Love is everywhere
and in everything
Things we think are good or bad
Things others outside us see as good or bad
There is no duality in love
It simply is

As we give love
we gain love
As we receive all things
anticipated and unanticipated
with love
And do
all things
in love
we tap into
the endless
infinite
healing
patient
overflowing
joyous
peaceful
simple
love

It is there
Like air
unseen
often taken for granted
life giving
available
to all
without
discrimination.

If you are seeking love
give love
indiscriminantly
to all
in all things
and you will
not only
have love
you will
become
love

Things that echo in my head

I call it the thinker. It is the self critical voice in my head that constantly tells me:

You are worthless

You ruin everything

You are a burden

You should do more for ....

You could have done better ...

You don't know anything

Why are you even alive?

Who put you in charge?

Thy can't you be better ...

You can't even get out of your own way

You are so selfish

There you go again, screwing everything up for everybody

They don't care about you

You are nothing

Can't you focus on anything

Don't you feel bad?

Irresponsible

Again?!

What is wrong with you?!

How could you?!

That will never work

That's the stupidest thing I've ever.....

You are a mess

You'll never become anything

Nobody is impressed

Motivation for Perfection

As I come to realizations about why I seek perfection, I will list them here.

10/6/2017
I don't seek perfection to gain recognition, instead I seek perfection to avoid criticism, lecture or complaint. I do it to avoid comment and am at my most content when things go "unnoticed."

Shame

I'm uncertain why this subject came to mind for today's post.

It's stuck in my mind, but a very
rRw subject
I'm uncertain if I'm ready to fully tackle
The shame I have
Endured

I always found it odd
My fear of authority
Especially
Police, teachers, bosses
Always expecting them to
Judge me
Reject me
Look upon me as a
Failure

I felt
guilty
But why?

Shame

Shame is an
Emotion
A feeling of inadequacy
A feeling of failing others
A sense of disability
A rotting
Of individuality
Of self confidence
Of self itself
A need to hide.

Shame came to me when I was young.
My nature is to please
My desire for recogniton
My need to keep the peace
My internal demand to be perfect
Created the walls of my cage of shame.

I was always
hyper aware
of others,
Their moods
Their intentions
Their needs
Their wants
Their basic nature
So much so that
I could anticipate each.
But when I failed to please
Another bar in the wall of my cage.


As I child I would do things
Then announce to everyone
What I had done
With a pride of a
Daughter
Niece
Granddaughter
Student
Girl
But I soon learned
There is nothing worse than
Pride
Hubris is not far
And God often punishes
Or teaches
Those with
Pride
Through hardship, disease and death.
And so
My desire for attention
Was suppressed
Quieted
Unasked for
Yet terribly desired
A hidden shame of my want
My personal guilt
Another bar in the wall of my cage.

This likely lead to my mind's
demand for perfection
Ask anyone from my youth
They will tell you that
I tackled every
Chore
Assignment
Story
Performance
Job
Project
Relationship
Responsibility with
110%
Dance
Piano
Voice
Opera
Theater
Math
Science
Language Arts
History
Field Hocky
Track
Marching Band
Choir
Concert Band
Orchestra
Stage Band
Show Choir
Church Choir
Girl Scouts
Study Groups
Group Assignments
Friends
Strangers
Parents
Siblings
Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents
Dating
Work Relationships
Personal relationships
Then Children
Meal preparation
The list goes on
So much responsibility
Shouldered from childhood
Each year adding a
Another bar in the wall of my cage.

Feeling so responsible for others,
Things truly outside of my control
Likely lead to my need to
Keep the peace
At all costs
I shan't go into
the same detail
As this is the area that
Finally boxed me in
Bent me
Personally
Emotionally
Mentally
Morally
Spiritually
The weight of these knots
each adding
Another bar in the wall of my cage.

You can see how shame
Is something we create
It is man-made
In my case
Made in America
Drafted
Constructed
Establish in youth
And founded in the desire to be loved
And the awful belief
That love
Must be earned
An unattainable goal
And every
Action
Word
Thought
Becomes
Another bar across the ceiling of my cage.

After the Horrors

(It took me a while to write this one.)

Scarred are those who survive the terror
Saved are the ones who do not
But those who are left behind
Locked out of the event
Yet suffering the consequences
Viewed as collateral damage
Howling at the injustice
Weeping for both the scarred and slain
Must let faithfulness shine,

Despite the sadness and the horror.
As a nation we naturally unite,
In silence to honor those affected:
Mothers, daughters,
Fathers, sons,
Strangers and friends
Joined together in their love
For music,
For community,
For shared happiness and fun
For love
The attack unthinkable and unsuspected

Don't try to understand it, never,
Such thoughts could only poison the mind.
Instead let's view this as an opportunity
To make a change
To alter our paths
To become greater,
Stronger
Tighter
A better America
Outside of the noise of political scrutiny

Those affected are not victims or martyrs
In the light of the gruesome event
They should be viewed as angels of the world
Meant to heal
Others' wounds
Unseen
Seen
Meant to shine their light
On political issues
Social problems
Inadequate systems
Meant to reveal as all disasters do
The strength of family
The strength of community
The strength of a nation
The strength of the earth
Well after the smoke from the barrel of the gun has curled.

As such they shall be remembered and revered
The unharmed, wounded and the dead.
They each serve a higher purpose for mankind
A reminder
Of our strengths
And our weaknesses
Our opportunities
Our capabilities
Our gift
That is living
Let their brilliant lights ever shine and remind

So when sorrow or fear over come you
Face them with a cold hard stare
Then let them float away
Into the dust,
The mists,
The ether.
Passing by like clouds
changing shape
but also merely
passing bye,
Sometimes filled with
Rage and anger,
Sometime nurturing
And kind.
And know
You are not alone
Ever.
In death,
In life,
In all things
You are surrounded
By love
With an open heart and mind you shall find your way

Again
Never forget
You are not alone
Ever.
In death,
In life,
In all things
You are surrounded
By love.
Look for it
And it will be yours.

Mind what you say

Has anyone ever said to you,
"If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything"
?

Or maybe a version of
"If you wouldn't say it to their face, you shouldn't say anything"
?

Perhaps you've heard
"Beware what you say, the walls have ears." with it's companion
"Never eavesdrop, you rarely hear anything you want to hear."

I like to stay away from using negatives.
Mostly because people tend to remember best what comes after the cautionary term.
In the first two cases, that would be a resounding,
"say anything."

This combined with,
"Honesty is the best policy."
often results in people who say things that start with,
"You probably don't want to hear this from me, but...".

"You probably don't want to hear this from me, but"
"You really should discipline your child."
"Your husband/partner is an ass."
"You should really fasten your child in the cart."
"You should get your child under control."

The last ones are my favorite because my kids were drama kings and queens.
My oldest would lay on the ground
kicking his feet and banging his head on the cold hard floors
at the supermarket,
Target,
the mall,
Home Depot,
church.
Well let's just go with anywhere and everywhere.
I shan't go into the other two
too,
other than noting that my daughter
is as accomplished as her mother
in her ability to
hit the high notes,
and quite loudly too.

As a parent, I asked my kids to
"be positive and supportive in all you do and say."
This allows for criticism from the heart,
but delivered in a kind-hearted way,
and worded in positive terms.

"You look fantastic in that (orange) dress,
I wonder if it comes in blue - it would really set off your eyes."

"You did a great job with that poem,
I wonder what it would sound like if you made the lines rhyme."

"How did I like the (unusually seasoned) casserole?
It was indescribable. Unlike any dish I've ever had,"
Make sure you are nodding and smiling as you deliver this statement.

Then there is my favorite when seeing someone from you past
that you barely recognize and
looks so different it's hard to even recognize them
and you probably were hoping to never see again
but your happy because they look worse than you (bad you).
"Oh my goodness! It's you. I can't believe you're here."
Or another favorite,
"<name>, is that you? Look at you!"

Goodness,
(remember I have children that might read this
so I am trying to keep things clean)
I sound like a fairy-tale princess or fairy godmother.
Kind as candy.
Always positive and supportive.


Unfortunately this is the kind of person I am,
naturally.
After years of this philosophy
it becomes a neural pattern,
so much so, that you start to fail to see the predators.

That's what's put me in the position I am in now,
Under watch and key of my parents,
in their basement,
becoming me all over again.
Well hopefully a better and more assertive me than before.

In case you're curious,
My children and ex didn't take to my mindset
In the end mocking me for my outlook,
finding ways to "trigger" me to anger or outrage,
enjoying my outbursts at the hurtful things they said and did
with their fathers egging on
with a "good one," then
hating and despising me for
getting off that crazy train.

I jumped off that crazy train by investing in a business
that required my immediate attention for one year.
Only a year.
But that was too long so they left.
At first it was just for one or two weeks,
then over Thanksgiving,
then January, February,
and in April they left for good to be nomads.
I haven't seen them since.

For the love of others

"You can do anything you put your mind to."

"When you give 100% you can achieve great things."

If only.

For me there's a little phrase missing from those statements. Something I am hoping I can correct because it is so ingrained in my psyche from so many years of humbleness training (aka guilt training) that it is currently impossible for me to do anything for myself.

Not even basic hygiene. Or meals. It was selfish of me to take the time to do it when I had others to consider. Then, when there was very little money, it was selfish to spend extravagantly on things like fruits and vegetables. After all it was only me.

But if somebody else needed something, I was there to help. If I had what they needed I would offer it up, no questions asked. But forget about asking for it back when they were done.

If I could do something I knew someone else needed, I would do it without letting anybody know. If I were asked to do something, I wouldn't go around telling everybody what I'd done. That was bragging and being self centered. I needed to remain humble. Besides, I could never be self-centered that was the road to God's wrath and a tragic future.

Well it feels as if God's wrath found me anyway (more on this in a future post).

So, if you haven't guessed, I can do anything I put my mind to  - as long as it is for somebody else and they probably won't find out.

When I give 100% I can achieve great things - for others.

I'd often lie to people about gifts I had for them so they wouldn't know their true cost or how I'd really been able to procure them. How messed up is that?!

From there, it was a simple transition to covering up for others and their "mistakes".

Anything to keep the peace.

Oh, and that worked out so well for me.

I'm dreading writing about these experiences, though they are rather juicy and scandalous.

But what must,

must......

I wish I were a not-nice person

I still have kids, so in case they come upon this blog I'll be keeping my language clean-ish. Hence the "not-so-nice" instead of the female pooch in today's title.

And I do wish I were not nice, maybe even downright mean and selfish. Oh how wonderful my life would be if I were narcissistic and my ego impenetrable by mundane things like other people, their opinions or even their illogical feelings. Then I would feel like I'm always right, not be riddled by guilt and concern or self flagellation for decisions made from as early as preschool.

Instead I am still. I am unmoving, trapped, repeating over and over, continuing and any other definition you can conjure up for the word. I am caught in the spider's web, paralyzed by venom and awaiting certain consumption by a dangerous predator.

I am a witness to my own demise while also the main character and the director of the story that is my life. Don't mistake this as the victim or the martyr, I have an active role. If only I had the energy to move out of my own way.

You'd think it takes a lot of energy to lose everything you are and everything you have.

Turns out it can happen in the blink of an eye or the flutter of a butterfly's wings.

The Care And Feeding of Kari

About seven months ago I lost almost everything.

Next month the rest will go.

And it's all my fault.